WARNING:
The jokes you are about to read are for adults 18 years of age or older with a very strong stomach and a very strong heart. If you have a problem with issues of race, violence, pedophilia, cannibalism, feces, masturbation, mutilation of corpses, sadomasochism, sodomy, spousal abuse, or anything considered offensive or taboo by modern society... please click your back button and DO NOT READ ON. For everyone else, happy to be a part of this gutter called Earth...

Gotta joke for Get Offended.com?If we use your joke, we'll send you a Get Offended.com Bumper Sticker FREE! Just email your jokes to glossary@getoffended.com include your mailing address and a note certifying your age so we can send you a bumper sticker if we use your joke!

The attitude and opinions in the Joke Archives are not necessarily the opinions or feelings of Get Offended.com or it's staff, blame the assholes who submitted them.

Go To Page: <<Last<< - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - >>Next>>

Joke of the Day Archives Page 5 (June 2003 - Oct 2003)

October 10th, 2003

What is the most positive thing in the projects?
HIV.

What do you call Puerto Ricans holding hands in a circle?
A spicket fence.

How can you tell were a flamingo lives?
All of the plastic mexicans in the front yard. - Amanda M, Ohio

There were two mushrooms in a tank. What did one mushroom say to the other?
"There isn't mushroom in here..." - Morgan, New Jersey

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire. - Jimme & Matt, Arizona

There are two nuns riding bikes down the street. One of them looks around and says "I've never come this way before." The other nun says, "Yeah, these cobble stones are great!" - Jimmie & Matt, Arizona

Why do lawyers wear ties?
To hold their foreskin down. - Jimmie & Matt, Arizona

A rabbit and a skunk meet at a watering hole and start to talk. The rabbit is having a hard day and is almost in tears, he asks the skunk, "What am I?" The skunk replies, "Well you have long ears, a little fuzzy tail and buck teeth, isn't it obvious, you're a rabbit!" The next day they meet again and the skunk is having a hard day. He asks the rabbit, "Hey you have to tell me, what am I?" The rabbit replies, "Well you're half black and half white and you smell like shit, isn't it obvious, you're Puerto Rican!" - Jimmie & Matt, Arizona

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full. - Jimmie & Matt, Arizona

Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick. - the real J-Lo

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to suck my dick. - the real J-Lo

Why don't women need a drivers license?
The only place they got to go is the bedroom and the kitchen. - Ben, Houston Texas

What do all the women in a battered woman's shelter have in common?
They just don't know when to shut the fuck up. - Ben, Houston Texas

A child molester and a 5 yr. old are walking in the woods and its starting to get dark and the 5 yr. old says "I'm getting scared" and the child molester says "You're scared? I got to walk home alone". - Ben, Houston Texas

What's worse than a dead baby?
A dead puppy nailed to a dead baby. - Ben, Houston Texas

Rabinowitz, hiding with his wife from the Nazis in a secluded Berlin attic, decided to get a breath of fresh air. While out walking he came face to face with Adolph Hitler. The German leader pulled out a gun and pointed to a pile of horse manure in the street. "All right, Jew!" he shouted, "eat that or I'll kill you!" Trembling, Rabinowitz did as he was ordered. Hitler began laughing so hard he dropped the weapon. Rabinowitz snatched it up and said, "Now, you eat the manure or I'll shoot!" The Fuhrer got down on his hands and knees and began eating. While he was occupied, Rabinowitz sneaked away, ran through an alley, climbed over a fence, and dashed up the stairs to the attic. He slammed the door shut, bolted and locked it securely. "Bessie! Bessie!" he shouted to his wife. "Guess who I had lunch with today!" - Beervampire

What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A Quarter Pounder with Cheese. - Tom & Steve, Massachusetts

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
"They're right! We do taste like chicken!" - Sam S, New Hampshire

There are three guys stranded on an island with a bunch of cannibals. The cannibals catch the men and make them a deal. The cannibals say, "If you guys can find 10 different kinds of fruit and bring them back to us, we will not kill and eat you." One man brings back oranges. The cannibals say, "Now you have to stick those ten oranges up your ass and not make a sound for us not to kill you." The man gets one in and says that it hurts, so the cannibals kill him. The next guy comes and he has cherries. The cannibals tell him the same thing. The man get nine of the ten in his ass and he starts to laugh so the cannibals kill him. When the man goes to heaven the first man asks him, "Man why did you laugh you almost had them all in !" The second man replied, " I seen the last guy coming with pineapples !" - Robert B, Ohio

How did the whale get AIDS?
He got rear-ended by a ferry.

What did the blind, deaf, mute get for Christmas?
Cancer. - Chris C, Florida

What's the best way to have sex with an ugly woman?
Jack off in your hand and throw it at her! - Tracy K, Illinois

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead. - Emily H, MN

A guy wanted to spice up his romance with his wife, so he went to Victoria's Secrets in search of some sexy lingerie. He found something really nice, purchased it and brought it home to his wife. His wife took it by surprise, but went up to try it on. When looking in the mirror she noticed it was see through. She came slowly down the stairs. The husband looked up and exclaimed, "Damn, for all that money, at least they could have ironed it..." - Zenas P, Washington

A stranger was seated next to Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Johnny and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Johnny, who had just opened a book that he wanted to read, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" - Beervampire

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud screams reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!" - Caitlen B, New Jersey

What is a lesbian's favorite hiding spot?
The Liquor Cabinet. - Tom P, Kentucky

What's the extra skin around a penis called?
A man. - Elisa N, Canada

A guy brags up his costume for an upcoming Halloween Party so much that everyone is talking about it and waiting for his arrival the night of the get together. Finally he shows up and all he has on is a pair of Levi's. No one understands his costume, especially since he had talked about it for weeks. Finally someone asks him what the hell he is supposed to be. He replies, "A premature ejaculator." "I don't get it." says the partygoer. "I just came in my jeans..." - Laura

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black earse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking his pitbull on a lead. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in a single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in a single file. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My pitbull attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the Dog?" the inquisitive man asks. "Get in line." - Beervampire

What did God say when he created the first black man?
Awww shit, i burnt one...

A man walk into a bar and said to the bartender, "I bet you all the money in that jar that I can make your horse laugh." So the bartender said, "sure why no theres no way in hell a horse can laugh." Next thing you no the horse is on the floor laughing. The next day the same guy walk back into the bar and saw that the jar of money was full so he said to the bartender, "I bet i can make your horse cry so the bar tender said she horses don't cry." The next thing you know the horse is balling his eyes out. So the bartender asked, "How in the hell did you make my horse laugh and cry?" Well to make him cry I told him my dick was bigger then his, to make him cry I showed him."

What did the woman say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
Hey! Get out of my son!

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, it was too stuck up.

Every morning, Bill Clinton would take a jog near his home in NY State. And on each run, he happened to jog past a streetwalker standing on the same street corner, day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly about to follow. "Fifty dollars! " she would shout from the curb. "No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton. This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!" One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including Hillary) and he would have to come up with a very good explanation for his wife, the junior Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough there she was -- standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executives. Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill: "See what you get for five bucks! - Beervampire

An old man aproaches a prostitute and says, "How bout' a little fun?" She replies, "How old are you?" "85" says the old man. "You already had it." says the Hooker. "How much do I owe you?" asks the old man. - Brandon R, California

What do you call a blonde on her period?
A red head. - Brandon R, California

How much money is in a black guy's wallet?
However much is in your wallet. - Brandon R, California

Why are horses better than women?
Because when you bang a horse in the ass it will still give you a ride home. - Lock Haven White Trash

A small man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a beer and the man promptly downs it. He then asks the bartender who the toughest MF is in the bar. After looking around the bartender points out a big rough looking guy over at a pool table, to which the small man walks directky to and begins to kick the living shit out of him. After giving him a thorough thrashing the small man goes back to the bar and drinks beer the rest of the night. The next night the same thing happens with the same little guy, but another tough guy. This goes on for about a week when the bartender decides he needs to put a stop to this. So he calls afriend at the zoo and has a gorilla brought over. He puts the gorilla in the bathroom and turns out the light. At the same time the same little guy walks in and again orders a beer, downs it then asks who is the meanest some-bitch in here tonight. The bartender says, "he just walked into the bathroom." The little guy storms off to the bathroom and for about 5 minutes all you can hear is crashes and banging with a few screams. Then out walks the little guy. He walks to the bar orders a beer and tells the bartender, "when the black guy in the bathroom wakes up tell him his fur coats in the trash can!" - Jeff H, Oklahoma

August 1st, 2003 Updates

What will a man eat on a sandwich that he won't eat on pussy?
Crust. - Daniel E. - Tennessee

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons?
Because blonde guys aren't that smart either. - Cali B, California

What's the difference between menstrual fluid and sand?
You can't gargle sand. - Matt D, California

What's the hard part about eating a vegetable?
Getting her back in the wheelchair when you're done. - Matt D, California

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do those whining pussy's). The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable,handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked. The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

A ship sinks and the only survivors, a nun and two priests, are stranded on an island. After two weeks, the nun is so ashamed of what she's been doing that she kills herself. Another two weeks go by and the priests are so ashamed of what they've been doing that they bury her. Two weeks after that, they're so ashamed of what they've been doing that they dig her up again.

What's the difference between a hooker and a rooster?
A rooster say 'cockadoodle do' and a hooker says 'any cock'll do.' - Cameron

A guy walks up to a girl in a club, looks down at his watch, and says, "My magic watch says you're not wearing any underwear." The woman replies, "Well your magic watch must be wrong." He responds, "Must be an hour fast!" - Mike O, Pennsylvania

There was an old lady from dallas
she used a dynamite stick as a phallus
they found her vagina in North Carolina
and her asshole in Buckingham Palace
- Mike T, Virginia

What do you do if your wife is running frantically screaming in your back yard?
Reload. - Mike T, Virginia

A female with no arms or legs was in her wheel chair crying on the warf. A nice gentleman asks, "Why are you crying?". She replies, "No one will have sex with me". The nice gentleman picks her up, tosses her in the water and says, "There... now you're fucked". - Mike T, Virginia

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting them to sit up straight in the chair afterwards. - Mike T, Virginia

What's white and bounces frantically in a babies crib?
A pedophile's ass. - Mike T, Virginia

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for company. One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo." The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Did you hear about the black guy who died the other day?
He was driving down the road, stuck his head out the window and his lips beat him to death. - Jeremy M, Ohio

How do you stop a black kid from jumping on your bed?
Put velcro on the ceiling.
How do you get him down?
Give a mexican kid a stick. - Jeremy M, Ohio

If Princess Di were alive right now, what would she be doing?
Banging on the lid of her coffin. - Jeremy M, Ohio

What do three hundred pound gerbils do?
Stick gay people up their asses. - Jeremy M, Ohio

What's the speed limit for sex?
68, because at 69 you gotta turn around. - Cali B, California

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms?
Nigger Nigger Nigger! - Chris,EMZ

How long does it take for a black woman too take a shit?
9 months! - Chris,EMZ

How do you keep a nigger from drowning?
Take your foot off his head! - Chris,EMZ

Why are jews noses so big?
The air is free! - Chris,EMZ

What do fat women do in the summer time?
STINK! - Chris,EMZ

Whats the difference between a jew and a canoe?
A canoe TIPS! - Chris,EMZ

July 19th, 2003 Updates

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read.

Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Why did God create brunettes?
Neither could the blondes.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

June 2nd, 2003 Updates

What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.

To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4.

What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're fucked.

How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

Go To Page: <<Last<< - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - >>Next>>

Shipping Options ---- Email Get Offended ---- Affiliate Program ---- Privacy Policy ---- Secure Shopping
© 2001 - 2008, GetOffended.com, TomorrowIdeation.com, GlossaryOfPerversion.com and their Affiliates