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The jokes you are about to read are for adults 18 years of age or older with a very strong stomach and a very strong heart. If you have a problem with issues of race, violence, pedophilia, cannibalism, feces, masturbation, mutilation of corpses, sadomasochism, sodomy, spousal abuse, or anything considered offensive or taboo by modern society... please click your back button and DO NOT READ ON. For everyone else, happy to be a part of this gutter called Earth...

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Joke of the Day Archives Page 4 (Jan 2003 - June 2003)

June 1st, 2003 Updates

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!" - Jerry C, Wisconsin

How do you know when your sister is having her period?
Dads dick tastes funny.
How do you know when your bother is gay?
Dads dick tastes like shit.

Why is a fire truck red?
Wouldn't you be if someone yanked on your hose? - John M, Washington

What's black and blue and hates sex?
The 7 yr. old in my trunk. - DQ, NYC

So this guy gets a call at work from the hospital. The Hospital says that his wife has been in a horible car axident. The guy rushes to the hospital. "Is she ok", The man says. The Doctor tells the man that the man is going to have to feed her dress her pay for a wheel Chair. Cook special food for her. Give her pain killers every four hours and just do everything for her. "Wow thats alot of work", says the man. The doctor turns to him and says, "I'm just screwing with you she's dead."

How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two... One to screw it in and the other one to write a fucking song about it! - Liz M, MD

What is worse than having a sick cat on your piano?
Having a diseased beaver on your organ. - Justin E. Knapp

May 22nd, 2003 Updates

What is so good about a prostitute and her job?
Business cums and goes. - Sean K, Ohio

Adolph Hitler in an address to his Nazi soldiers in Paris during the German occupation in WW2 stated the following: "My Aryan soldiers, you will go to the country and you will find the blonde-haired, blue-eyed french women, and you will lay them down in the fields and you will rape them. When you are done, you will look into her eyes and say 'In 9 months, you will have a child, name it Adolph, hail Hitler!'" So the soldiers departed, one day a young German soldier came upon a blonde-haired, blue-eyed french girl in the field, so he did as he was told, he laid her down and raped her and looked into her eyes as he spoke: "In 9 months, you will have a child, name it Adolph, hail Hitler!" She looked back into his eyes with a coy smile and said: "In 6 weeks, you will have a rash, name it syphilis, Viva La France!" - Andy L, Pennsylvania

Three women are walking along the beach and discover a genie lamp. They all run to it and touch it at the same time and a genie pops out and says, "Since you all touched the lamp at the same time I'll grant you each one wish." The one woman says "I want to be 10 times smarter than I am right now." ...Poof... she was really smart. The second says "I want to be 100 times smarter than her." ...Poof... she was really, really smart. The Third one says, "Well I want to smarter than the both of those two".....Poof......she was a man! - Mike C, North Dakota

What are the 3 hardest years of a black man's life?
First Grade. - Matt J, California

What two things were they missing at the million man march?
Two miles of chain and an auctioneer. - Matt J, California

How do they take a census in Isreal?
Roll a quarter down the street. - Matt J, California

How do you fit 6 million Jews into a VW bug?
Two in the front seats, three in the back, and the rest in the ashtray. - Matt J, California

Did you here there's something in the air in San Francisco that's keeping women from getting pregnant?
It's men's legs. - Matt J, California

Why do the hookers in San Francisco wear their skirts so high?
So they can scratch their balls. - Matt J, California

What do Elton John and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They both swallow seamen. - Matt J, California

What are three things you can't give a black man?
A black eye, a fat lip, and a job. - Matt J, California

What do you call a Blonde with a dollar over her head?
All you can eat for under a buck. - Patrick S, New York

A Rabbi and a Priest are sitting together on a bench in a park. When a little boy walks by them. The Priest says to the Rabbi "wanna screw him?". And the Rabbi answers "out of what ! ". - Patrick S, New York

What do you call a menstrual period?
A bloody waste of fucking time. - Amanda S, New York

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it but they can't eat it. - Bill M, Pennsylvania

A beautiful blonde is taking a shower and the door bell rings. She yells, "Who is it?". He replies, "A blind Man". She is a generou woman, so she runs out of the shower and opens the door buck naked... He says, "Where should I put these blinds, lady?" - Brandon R, California

What is the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
One has whiskers and fishy flaps...and the other is a walrus.

What's the best way to piss a woman off?
Fuck her in the ass and then wipe your dick on her curtains.

There was a woman from Brewer,
Who said no man could screw her.
Along came a chink, with a cast iron dink.
And drilled a hole right through her. - Shaun C, Maine

Where should you go to get a woman's watch fixed?
It doesn't matter; there's a clock on the oven. - Juhel d, Detroit

What's the difference between an epileptic corn-picker and a whore with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits. - Juhel d, Detroit

What do you have when there's an epileptic in your vegetable garden?
Seizure salad. - Juhel d, Detroit

What do you do when an epileptic's having a seizure in your bathtub?
Throw in your laundry. - Juhel d, Detroit

A Texan, an Arab, and a man from Dearborn Michigan are sitting around a camp fire. The Texan pulls out a bottle of whiskey and drinks it, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it. The Arab says "why did you do that?" The Texan replies,"Where I come from whiskey is plentiful and the bottles are free." The Arab pulls out a bottle of oil, pours it on the ground, throws it in the air and shoots it. The Texan says"why did you do that?" The Arab replies "where I come from the oil is plentiful and the bottles are free." The man from Dearborn Michigan pulls out a beer drinks it,puts the bottle away and shoots the Arab. The Texan says "Why did you do that?" The man from Michigan says, "Where I come from the Arabs are plentiful and the bottles are worth ten cents." - Travis E, Michigan

Whats green and smells like pork?
Kermit the Frog's finger.

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truck load of bowling balls?
You unload one with a pitch fork.

How did Hellen Keller burn her face?
She answered the iron.

Why did Hellen Keller's dog committ suicide?
You would too if you name was "Ennnhhh."

Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
They need someplace to rest their feet!

Two gay guys are fucking doggie style in bed. The ceiling caves in and kills them both. Which one gets to heaven first? The one on the bottom, he already had his shit packed! - Bill M, Massachusettes

Why is sex better than jogging?
Because you can still get a work out without needing special shoes.

Tarzan was swingin through the jungle one day and slammed right into a tree. He tore out an eye, broke off an arm, and ripped off his pecker. A little while later, Tarzan runs into the withch doctor, and seeing his problems, the doc tells Tarzan to stop by and see him, he might be able to help. Tarzan visits the witch doctor and the doc says, "all i have for an eye is this eagles eye", Tarzan says what the hell, sew it in. The doc says, all i have for an arm is this gorilla's arm, Tarzan says what the hell, sew it on. The doc says, and all i have for a pecker is this elephants truck, Tarzan again says, what the hell, sew it on. Two weeks later, Tarzan runs into the withch doctor again. He says, doc, with this eagles eye, i can see for miles and miles. With this gorilla's arm, i can swing for hours and hours without getting tired. I just have one problem...what's that the doc asks? Tarzan replies...How the hell do i stop this elephants trunk from shoving peanuts up my ass?!?! - Robin F, Kentucky

What is the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're at least thirteen years old to come all over your face. - Rick J, Wisconsin

One morning a man walks out of his house to get his morning paper and sees a new guy moving in next door, so he decides to go have a talk with him.
Man: Hi there, welcome to the neighborhood.
New Neighbor: Thank you, looks like I'll be your neighbor.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
New Neighbor: I work at the Institute for Deductive Reasoning.
Man: Deductive reasoning. What's that?
New Neighbor: Its kind of hard to explain. Let me show you. I see that you have a dog house in your back yard. By that I deduce that you have a dog.
Man: Yep.
New Neighbor: Since you have a dog, I deduce that you have children.
Man: Yes I do.
New Neighbor: Since you have children, I deduce that you are a heterosexual.
Man: Thats true.
New Neighbor: Well, THAT'S deductive reasoning.
Man: Thats pretty neat.
Later on that day, the man stops by his other neighbor's house to talk about the new guy.
Man: You see that guy moving in over there?
Other Neighbor: Yeah.
Man: He works at the Institute for Deductive Reasoning.
Other Neighbor: Deductive reasoning? What the hell is that?
Man: Its kind of hard to explain. Let me show you. Do you have a dog?
Other Neighbor: No.
Man: Faggot.
- Rick J, Wisconsin

What has four hundred legs and two teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. - Rick J, Wisconsin

What Can a Pizza do that a Black man Can't?
Feed a Family of 4. - Joseph A. A - New York

What is the definition of "embarrasment"?
Walking into a door with a boner and breaking your nose. - Jamie M - Canada

What has balls and fucks old ladies.
A bingo machine. - Jamie M - Canada

Why did god invent the shopping cart?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs. - Jamie M - Canada

What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jellybeans?
The black one steals your watch.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blond jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, USE TWO COATS

What the difference between a corn farmer with the shakes and a hooker with diarrhea?
One shucks in between fits! - Randy K, Kentucky

Why aren't there any Mexicans in 'Star Trek'?
They don't work in the future either. - Fred, Illinois

January 21st, 2003 Updates -

What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A Brain Tumor. - Henry G - Missouri

There is a boy on the top bunk, and his older brother is on the bottom bunk with his girl. His brother on the top bunk goes to sleep, so him and his girl start to have sex. He says " If u want me to go faster say lettuce, and if you want me to slow down say tomato." So they go at it for a few minutes, then the little brother wakes up and says " Will you guys stop making sandwiches, you are getting mayonaise all over me. - S. Frank, Nebraska

What do you get when you turn three blondes upside-down?
Two brunettes. - Justin Pemberton, Indiana

January 14th, 2003 Updates -

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says," You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?" - Jerry O - Indiana

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

What do Blondes say after sex?
Are you boys all in the same band?

What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang it the looser it gets.

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? They both wriggle when you eat them.

A black guy and an Arab in a car... who is driving?
The cop. - LKE, Ohio

January 7th, 2003 Updates -

What's the similarity between a woman's cunt and a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who the fuck's used it before you! - Nathan K, Canada

What's the similarity between women and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Once you're done with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. - Nathan K, Canada

Why did the cops in New York take the emergency number '911' off their cop cars?
Puerto Ricans kept stealing them thinking they were Porsches! - Nathan K, Canada

What's the difference between a Chinaware repairman and a perverted aquarium owner?
One fixes dishes and the other dicks his fishes... - Les R, Vermont

How are elevators like women?
Whenever you are in a hurry, they always take forever to come. - Doug R, Pennsylvania

How can you tell you're in a touch lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls! - Nathan K, Canada

What is the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A Hobo is always lonely, and a Homo has friends up the ass.

What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?
One is a over inflated nazi gas bag and the other is a dirigible.

How is a lawyer different from hooker?
There are just some things a hooker won't do.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
The genealogist looks up the family tree... And the gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair.

How is your mother like a screen door?
She loosens up after a few slams. - M Hutchison, Oregon

What have you done wrong if your woman is bitching at you?
Made her chain to the stove too long. - M Hutchison, Oregon

30 people are on an airplane about to crash. A woman sittin next to an attractive man shouts out that she's never been made to feel like a woman and that she needs to feel what it's like before she dies. The man stands up, unbuttons and removes his shirt, hands it to the woman and says "here bitch, iron this." - M Hutchison, Oregon

How come women never fart or burp?
Because they never shut up long enough to build up pressure. - M Hutchison, Oregon

What do you call the sweat on your balls after having sex with your cousin?
Relative Humidity! - Nathan K, Canada

Why doesn't Bin Laden have sex with his 5 wives?
Because when they spread their legs... he sees Bush - One2WonTwo1

3 Beautiful girls were going to their offices on the third floor of the building. When the elevator doors closed, the Brunette noticed something on the wall. She said that looks like cum on the wall. The Redhead looked a little closer and said " That is cum on the wall." The Blonde ran her finger through it, tasted it and said... "nobody from our floor." - One2WonTwo1

Boy and girl were behind the house and the girl said to the boy, " I bet I can pee up that wall higher then you can" the boy looked at her as if she was nuts... but said "ok, lets see what you can do" so she lifts her skirt, pulls down her panties and raises her bottom high in the air and pees about 6 feet up the wall. The boy says " Impressive, but that's not goood enough" he drops his jeans, pulls it out, aims and the girl says.... no no no... you're cheating... no hands. - One2WonTwo1

What is the difference between a Fag and a refridgerator?
The fridge doesn't fart after you take the meat out. - sicpupy

What do you call a girl that has sex with spaghetti?
A Pastatute - Craig, Georgia

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel, he throws two nails down on the desk and says "Can you put me up for the night!" - DQ, New York City

A blonde was standing outside a fast food store, eating a burger, with her panties around her ankles. A chap walks up and asks, ''Excuse me, but can I ask why your panties are around your ankles?'' ''Oh really,'' she says, ''is he gone already?'' - Nathan K, Canada

A lady runs into the clubhouse, ''I've been stung by a bee!'' she yelled. ''Where?'' asked the Golf Pro. ''Between the first and second hole,'' she replied. ''Oh,'' said the Golf Pro, ''your stance is too wide.'' - Nathan K, Canada

Two hobo's met on the tracks...
Hobo 1: Ive had a great day...i found $20 on the tracks and have been drunk all day!
Hobo 2: Wow that is great, mine has been pretty good too...
Hobo 1: What happened?
Hobo 2: I was walking down the tracks when i found a beatiful woman tied to the tracks..i untied her and we had wild sex all day!
Hobo 1: Wow...did she give good head?
Hobo2: head? i couldnt find her head... - Rob L, Illinois

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island...after 2 months the woman gets tired of her perverted sexual lifestyle and kills herself...after another month the guys get tired of their perverted sexual lifestyles.......and bury the body. - Rob L, Illinois

A rabbi and a priest are walking down the street when they see a small boy. The preist says, "hey wanna go screw that kid?" The rabbi replies, "Outta what?" - Kyle L, Kansas

An old man walks up to an old woman in the nursing home and says, "I'll bet you can't figure out how old I am!" The old woman unzips his pants, reaches into his underwear, and starts feeling around. She takes her hand out and says, "You're 87." "How the hell did you know?!" He asks. She replies: "You told me yesterday."

How do you know when a blonde's been doing some word-processing?
There's white-out on the computer screen.

How did the Mexican Girl get pregnant?
Her teacher told her to do an essay. - Justin P, Texas

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