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The jokes you are about to read are for adults 18 years of age or older with a very strong stomach and a very strong heart. If you have a problem with issues of race, violence, pedophilia, cannibalism, feces, masturbation, mutilation of corpses, sadomasochism, sodomy, spousal abuse, or anything considered offensive or taboo by modern society... please click your back button and DO NOT READ ON. For everyone else, happy to be a part of this gutter called Earth...

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Joke of the Day Archives Page 1 (Nathan's Archives)

Nathan K. is a long time friend of the Joke of the Day portion of Get Offended.com. He has been sending us jokes he knows we can't use for the "Joke of the Day" for quite some time... we told him we couldn't use them, but he just keeps sending them. Finally we decided that Nathan was deserving his very own page here on Get Offended.com (for all you sick joke fanatics out there). We couldn't keep these to ourselves forever. Get Offended.com would just like to say "Thanks, Nathan and keep 'em coming."

A Romantic Walk...
A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!" "No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."

Flying Blind...
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"

Some kids you just can't teach...
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

Smell my finger...
A man took a crap in a gas station and then realized there was no toilet paper. There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: "When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned." The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suck on it.

A day on the Nude Beach...
Who's the most popular guy at a nude beach? The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and seven donuts. Who's the most popular girl at a nude beach? The girl who can eat the seventh donut.

Doggystyle...
This woman owned two Dachshunds, a male and a female. A friend of hers calls one day and says, "How do you keep him away from her when she's in heat?" "Oh that's not a problem" she says, "When I go out, I put the female upstairs." "And does that do the trick?" asks her friend. "Well," she says, "Have you ever seen a Dachshund go upstairs with a hard on?"

Love those sheep...
The strident prosecutor begins: ''Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the State will prove that this defendant did in fact discard his breeches and insert his member into the innocent sheep; that he did ejaculate into said sheep and remove his member, whereupon this sheep turned around and licked his member clean.'' Then one member of the jury turned and whispered to the other juror and said, ''The good ones will do that you know."

I think I am gonna be sick...
There was this guy and he was eating out this skanky whore and he pulled out a piece of corn, he tried to forget about it and continued. Then he found a chunk of carrot. Then he found a pea, and he said, "I think I am going to be sick." The whore looked up and said, "Thats what the last guy said!"

The story of Crazy Mike...
Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme three boxes!" The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of BenGay." The pharmacist replies, "BenGay?!?!?! You're not going to put BenGay on that are you?" Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

Too many kids...
One day, shortly after having her ninth baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring, then said, "But isn't having nine babies a little much?" "Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air." "Yes," replied the priest, "your fucking legs."

Speak clearly...
There's this midget with a speech impediment who wants to start a horse ranch. So, he goes to a ranch and talks to a rancher and says, "Can I tee yur hortes." The guy says, "Sure, I'll let you see my horses." They go out to the paddock and the midget asks to look more closely at one of the fillies. The midget says, "Will ya waise me up sa I kan tee hur eyez." And the rancher says, "Sure, I'll let you see her eyes." The midget says, "Te gut purdy eyez. Will ya waise me up sa I kun tee hur teef." The rancher says "Sure, I'll let you see her teeth.", and does so. Then the midget says, "Ahhh tee gut purdy teef. Kun I tee hur twot?" The rancher says, "What? The midget says again, "Kun I tee hur twot?" So he stuck the midget's head up the horse's twat. "No! Kun I tee hur twot?" So the rancher does it again. Then the midget says, "Wet me wefwase mytelf: kun I tee hur gallop?"

Sex Education...
At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV. Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. "Great," said the teacher, "that's very important. " Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. "Well, that has to do with it too," said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, "Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education." "Yes it does," said Johnny, " it taught those Indians not to fuck with John Wayne."

A slip of the tongue...
A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him noticed and asked what the matter was. He said that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh. The man next to him laughed and said, ''Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You bitch, you ruined my life.'"

Udderly ridiculous...
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument - some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less - but still he had no success getting out of it. Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier's customer service hotline. The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?" Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons of milk."

Shrimpin' time...
There were these two guys working late in a morgue, when one guy said, "Hey man there is a woman in there with a shrimp in her vagina!" The other asked, "What is a shrimp doing a dead woman's vagina? Let me go see." Both of them went in the room with the woman, and they both curiosly looked. Finally, the second man said, "You idiot, this ain't no shrimp it's a clitoris." And the other man replied, "Well, it tasted like shrimp to me."

Prostitution pays...
Johnny meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks." She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it." They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL." She says, "Thank you." He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?" She says, "Go ahead." He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?" She says, "Of course." He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

From the mouth of babes...
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the tail off his secretary."

What a man needs...
A man walks into the ice cream shop with his three sons. "Josh will have vanilla, Jim will have chocolate, and Fathead will have strawberry." Then the man smacks Fathead across the head. The girl couldn't stand it. "Sir, I can't believe you treat your son like that.'' ''There are only three things in life a man needs to be happy," said the man. "A nice house, a beautiful wife and a nice tight pussy. Fathead here went and ruined that.''

Intelligence test...
Read this out loud until you get it... "I am we todd did. I am sofa king we todd did."

Hi, I'm Thor...
Zeus and Thor are up on Mt. Olympus and Thor is moping around looking really depressed. Zeus asks Thor what's wrong. Thor says he's really depressed as he misses the companionship and love of a woman. Zeus tells Thor that he'll fix the problem and sends Thor down to earth. Thor lands in the backyard of an Australian woman hanging out clothes on the line and they run inside for a weekend of passionate lovemaking. After the weekend Thor is back at Mt. Olympus walking around with a big grin on his face. Zeus sees him and asks him was it a success. Thor says yes, it was just what he needed. Zeus asks him details of what happened and then asks Thor what the woman's name was. Thor cannot answer him, as he did not bother to find out. Zeus, in a fit of rage, sends Thor back down to find out the woman's name. Arriving in the backyard of the Australian woman (who is again hanging out her clothes) he calls out, ''Hi, I'm Thor.'' She in return yells out, ''You're Thor? I'm tho thaw I can hardly pith!''

Sick Santa...
Do you know what would be sick? If you sat in Santa's lap and you felt him get a boner. Do you know what would be even worse? If he stood up and you were still sitting in his lap.

40 days and 40 nights...
When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals and said in a demanding voice: "Listen up kids! There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis. All of you males, take off your penises and hand them to Jim the Monkey. He will write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said, "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Shit!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!"

Adultry doesn't pay...
A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset. "What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender. "It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!'' ''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender. ''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!" ''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood." ''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!'' ''Damn, that really is a drag!'' ''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!'' ''That would sure mess up my day." ''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''

Blame it on Tiger...
A couple were on their honeymoon, laying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to ring room service and order some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

What you got on under there...
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!" "What's the rush?" his mate asked. "The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.

Let's go to the movies...
At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

20% tip my ass...
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders spaghetti. He is served and after all of it is nearly gone he finds a hair in it. He calls the waiter over and says, ''Do you see this damn hair, I ain't paying for this dirty ass meal,'' and walks out. The waiter watches him, and the guy goes into a whorehouse. The waiter waits about ten minutes and bursts through the door and the guy has got his face buried in pussy. The waiter says, ''You eat pussy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti.'' The man replies, ''Yes, and if I find any spaghetti in this pussy I ain't paying for it either!'

Once you go dwarf...
A dwarf and a normal woman met at a party. The dwarf was attracted to the woman and asked her if she wanted to have sex, so he took her to his apartment. The woman enjoyed the sex a lot: ''Ooooh, that was so good!'' she said. The dwarf replied, ''You think that's good? Wait till I stick my other leg up there.'

Speak up...
There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language. Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?" Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?" Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun." Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea." So they get in his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder..... Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?" Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some." They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem." Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want." Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do." Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want." Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea." The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work." Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

Leroy!....
A Detroit woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has. "Ten boys", "And their names?" "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy." "All named Leroy?" Why would you name them all Leroy?" "That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard I just yells LEROY, and when I wants them to come in for dinner I just yells LEROY!" "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?" "Then I calls him by his last name"

Anything you wish...
While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke. "I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish." The man thought about this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn't get enough of, it was wine. "I wish I could pee wine. That's my wish." "Granted." And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man's wife came home to find her husband naked, holding a glass. "Why only one glass?" asked her wife. "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

What's in the box....
A wife was making the bed and felt a bump in the bed. She looks under the bed and find a box. Inside the box are nine golf balls and $5,000. She waits for her husband to come home. When he gets home, she asked him "what is with this box I found"? He answers "well, every time we have bad sex I put a golf ball in the box" The wife thinks ok we have been married for 15 years that not too bad. Then she asked, " What is the $5,000 about"? He answers "Every time I get a dozen I sell them

The story of three turtles...
Three turtles, Joe, Steve and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright Steve, gimme the bottle opener." "I didn't bring the bottle opener", Steve says, "I thought you packed it." Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. "Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?" Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe and Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve the bottle opener, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, Joe and Steve manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grandturtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slowly and steadily. Twenty days pass, with no sign of Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says, with a hint of dementia in his voice. "NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised". Five more days pass. Joe and Steve realize that Raymond probably got run over on the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid off of the picnic basket, get a sandwich and open their mouths to eat. But then - right at that instant - Raymond pops out from behind a rock and says. . . "I KNEW it!! I'm not fucking going!!"

Four Secrets of successful relationships
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is very important that these three women never meet.

The 17 Ways Women Fail in Bed
1.MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2.ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3.SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4.NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
5.CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6.POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all-important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7.HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8.BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9.BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10.CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11.FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12.PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13.BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14.NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. >It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15.SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16.INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17.SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

It's all in the nose...
Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ... but not from my parish!"

Hallmark's Honesty Line of Cards
1) "So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay."
2) "My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry!"
3) "You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends."
4) "Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine, I got real snippy."
5) "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"
6) "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
7) "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
8) "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
9) "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
10) "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
11) "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
12) "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
13) "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"
14) "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
15) "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
16) "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
17) "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father is?"
18) "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
19) "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... so we're having you put to sleep."
20) "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!!" (available only in Kentucky)

A blonde goes horseback riding...
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion..... It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from he horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank Brooks, the Wal-mart greeter,sees her and unplugs the horse.

A sound sleeper...
A travelling salesman is out in the country selling his wares. He is in the middle of nowhere when his car breaks down, he leaves the car and starts walking and reaches a small farm house. He knocks and a middle aged man opens the door. The salesman asks him for a place to sleep in the night. The farmer tells that he has only one room with a bed and on that he and his wife (who turns out be gorgeous) sleep. So the salesman sleeps on the bed with the farmer and his lovely wife. In the middle of the night the farmer's wife gets horny and asks the salesman to come over to her side and fuck her! The salesman points towards the snoring farmer and whispers, ''He'll wake up!'' The farmer's wife replies, ''He's a sound sleeper. If you don't trust me pull a hair out of his ass and you will see that he won't wake up!'' The salesman tries and the farmer does not wake up. The salesman and the farmer's wife get into a fucking session. They repeat the act several more times that night and the salesman plucks a hair out of the farmer's ass everytime he goes to fuck the wife. Finally the farmer wakes up and says, ''Hey, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but can you stop using my ass a scoreboard!?!''

These shoes are killin' me...
On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sofia for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sofia's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say ''God, that was tight.'' ''There,'' whispered the Queen. ''I told you she was a virgin.'' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. ''Right. Now for the other one.'' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said ''My God. That was even tighter.'' ''That's my boy,'' said the Duke. ''Once a sailor, always a sailor.''

Blame it on Home Depot...
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took it home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a construction crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?" "I will if those useless cocksuckers at Home Depot ever bring us the fuckin' drywall," replied the little girl.

Oh that? That's just my cock...
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all." "I thought so," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

An Indian and his bucket...
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out. Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was that all about anyway?" The Indian, "Me in training for Executive Management job. Drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."

How to upset a six year old...

What's that smell?...
A woman visits her physician. After waiting for awhile it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The doctor asks her, "Well, what can I do for you madam?" The patient blushes and the doctor sees that appearantly she is embarrased so he says, "You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential." So the patient says, "My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?" "Sure," the doctor says, "It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual. Please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment." The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards her, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand, and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand an a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me?" shouts the patient. "Nothing," says the doctor, "I'm just going to open the roof window a little."

I love Bunk Beds...
An elderly couple decided to take a cruise to spice up their life. As the boat pulled away from the dock, she leaned forward to wave, but went too far and dropped her hearing aid in the water! The man was upset, because now she wouldn't hear anything he said. When the steward showed them their room, he flipped out. "Bunk Beds! That does it. Now I won't even get sex." That night she was standing there looking at the beds when he came out of the bathroom and tapped her on the shoulder. "Up or down?" he asked. She immediately threw him on the bed and made love to him. This continued every night when he asked "up or down?" The cruise nearing its end, he decided that she was turned on by the beds. Immediately upon docking he went to the furniture store and bought a set of bunk beds. She returned home with her new hearing aid. He said, "How do you like them?" "What in the hell did you get bunk beds for?" "Every night I asked you 'up or down' and you made wild passionate love to me. I thought they turned you on." "Is that what you were saying? I thought you said 'fuck or drown!"

Say goodbye to those wrinkles...
A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee.

Mamma mia...
Venanzio and Lorenzo were sitting on a bench in a New York park. "Hey," said Venanzio, "do you likea biga fat woman with a longa straggley hair?" "No, I'ma no likea dat" replied Lorenzo. "Den, you likea da woman with a garlic comin' from her mouth alla da time?" inquired Venanzio. "Nope, I'ma no like dat kinda either!" said Lorenzo. "You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins, no?" asks Venanzio. "Notta me!" answered Lorenzo. "Den whya you keepa screwin' my wife?" Venanzio asked.

Stand back, I can help...
At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy is laying sprawled out on the road, seemingly stone dead. The rescue workers are all around him, but can do nothing to resuscitate him. Suddenly, a young woman in a short miniskirt forces her way through the crowd. "Let me at him, I can help him," she says. "What can you do?" ask the rescue people. "We've tried everything to revive him, and it's too late." "I can," says the woman. "Stand back!" And she promptly takes off her panties, and crouches with her crotch over the man's face. Suddenly, the man coughs, splutters, and sits up. "What did you do?" ask the rescue people, amazed. The woman says, "Blood Transfusion."

Name that smell...
Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard. One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it. Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory. The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple. The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut. Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch. Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob. Bob smells it three times. ''I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shithouse.''

Dear Abbey...

Particularly nasty weather...
Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous brunette comes in. The first guy says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" "Beg your pardon?" she asks. "Particularly nasty weather," he replies. The brunette says, "Oh," and leaves. Then a really hot redhead walks in. The first guy looks in her eyes and says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" Her face lights up and she purrs, "Yeah!" So they leave and two hours later the first guy comes back for another drink. Shocked, the second guy asks the first one how he did it. He explains that he uses the line on every woman, and if they're shocked he covers by saying, "Particularly nasty weather," but otherwise, some girls are up for it. Eager to try it, the second guy waits for another woman to enter the bar. Soon a blonde walks in. He nervously says, "Stick your ass with a feather?" "EXCUSE ME?" shouts the blonde. The guy reddens and stutters, "Uh, sorry, um... did you know it's fucking raining out?"

I told you no one would care...
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says,"Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says,"Well, we're planning World War III." The guy says,"Really, what's going to happen." "Well" Bush says," This time we're going to kill 140 million Iraqi's and one blonde with big tits." The guy says,"Why a blonde with big tits?" Bush punches Powell in the shoulder and says," See, you smartass, I told you nobody would care about 140 million Iraqi's!

Lookin' for a job...
A young native man walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job.". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodygaurd for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year.". The native man said "Ah c'mon, you're bullshitting me!". The man behind the counter said "Well you fuckin started it!".

What's taking so long?...
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Fuck it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Oh God, I'm screwed...
An explorer in the deepest amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a large bloodthirsty group of savage natives. He quietly says out loud, "Oh God, I'm screwed!" Suddenly, there is a ray of light from above and a voice booms out, "No, you're not screwed yet. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of their chief standing in front of you." So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, with the shocked and angry looks of the natives closing in on him, he looks upward and says, "What now God?" And God's voice booms out, "Okay...now you're screwed!"

Just shake it off...
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

Little Red Riding Hood...
Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed. Little Red Riding Hood said, ''Grandma, what big eyes you have!'' Grandma: ''The better to see you with, my dear.'' Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what big ears you have!'' Grandma: "The better to hear you with, my dear.'' Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what a big mouth you have!'' Grandma: ''Of course I do, have you seen Grandpa's dick?!?''

Got change, Mister?!?...
A man walking in the city was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby bum, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took two dollars out of his pocket, and asked, "If I gave you this money, would you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Would you really use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble- I need anything I can get just to stay alive." "Would you use the money for greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you nuts? I haven't played golf for 20 years!" The man said, "I'm not going to give you $2.00. Instead, I'm going to bring you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell lousy." The man replied, "That's OK- I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling and playing golf!"

Where's your knickers!?...
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear". Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?" She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"

First and ten...
Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Raiders team for '02. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw the war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away... ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of that year's SuperBowl, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son." "I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears, "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

All aboard...
Once upon a time, there was a mother who was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said: "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and I hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Should I tell my fiancee?
Dear Abby, I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancŽe's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred people. Then she floored me: she said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door. There, leaning against my car was her husband, my future father-in-law! He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. He shook my hand and congratulated me on passing their test. Abby, should I tell my fiancŽe what her parents did, and that I thought their little "test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Snuggle boopy boops...
A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, theman leans over and whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nite-nite yet." The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So offshe goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. "Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch".

God is all around us...
One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying,"Fuck this," "Fuck that." The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us." "Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny. "Yes," says the priest. "Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny. "Yes," says the priest." Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny. "Yes," says the priest. "Well tell him to get the fuck out and push!!!"

Feelin' frisky...
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred. "Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear"

Makin' cakes...
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they are doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Dear Santa...

The Ventriloquist and the dummy...
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

A Trip to the Barber Shop...
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the chair eating a cupcake, while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too."

A cure for the hiccups...
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"

Survival of the fittest...
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen man's privates. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my privates in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out of here?"

Little Johnny and his candy bars...
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "Well, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

Old man on the front porch...
A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist.?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

A clean bill of health...
80-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?" George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!".

The Geography of a Woman...
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa. - Half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America. - Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, a woman is like Spain. - Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France. - She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 a woman is like Yugoslavia. - She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 a woman is like Russia. - Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England. - With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. - Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Iraq. - Ruled by a dick.

An Affair to Remember
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

Butt Measurements
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Three Ducks...
A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks. "Huey," answers the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?". "Dewey," comes the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about fucking my day."

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